Some Thoughts

First off I want to say how honored and grateful I am that you are even taking the time to read this. This is something that I feel was long overdue, but I just didn’t have the courage to actually pull the trigger. The events that have occurred over the past few weeks have opened my eyes and helped me realize that my time on BIGO is done.

I had a tremendous amount of fun on this app. The people I’ve met and the experiences I’ve had because of this app will forever live inside of my heart. The thousands of screenshots I have in my phone from all of our shenanigans will serve as a reminder for when my memory is less than cooperative. I felt like a King when I was on BIGO, and I had far more recognition on this app than I feel like I deserved.

The problem I have is that I’m too impulsive. I react too quickly based on my emotions. When I’m sad, you know it. When I’m angry, you know it. When I’ve been in love, you all knew it. I wore my heart on my sleeve, and when things didn’t go the way I was hoping or had expected, my reaction was quick and impulsive, often times reacting to an assumption I was making, rather than the actual evidence. It’s a character flaw which has literally broken me.

Then my heart was broken, and it sent me in a tailspin that I’ve never in my life experienced before. I’ve been a part of breakups, but none of them were quite like this one. None of them affected me quite as hard as this one did. It was heartbreak after heartbreak after that point. There was nothing I could do to pull myself back up, and I just spiraled further and further out of control. My job suffered, my agency suffered, my ability as a host suffered, and eventually it all went away.

Could I rebuild what I had, and still find some kind of enjoyment on this app if I wanted to? Maybe I could. Do I want to keep living this life where I’m constantly chasing something that doesn’t exist? I absolutely do not. BIGO is a fantasy land. It feeds on the emotions and desires of people like me, but I’m here to tell you that it’s not real. It feels very real, but it’s not. It’s a false sense of community fueled by money, lust, and greed.

BIGO looked like it was going to be the thing that changed my life, and for a while it did. I had a beautiful girlfriend, I was traveling, making tens of thousands of dollars per month after paying all the bills. It was great. But then something changed. Some of it was the app changes, some of it was the relationship changes, and some of it was just me changing. The fact remains the same, my experience on this app is not what it use to be. It’s no longer fun for me, it’s depressing.

That’s not to say that I won’t still be around. That’s not to say that I won’t still gift or that I won’t still go live. I’m not deleting the app, at least for now, but I will be changing the way the app controls my life. I will be reducing the amount of time I spend on the app, even if that’s just the minimum number of hours I need to reach the minimum tier. Maybe it won’t even be that much.

Something in my life needs to change before I do something permanent and recoverable that no number of VIP points or money or prayers will bring me back from. I don’t want to get to that point, but I know how close I’ve been lately and I just want to figure this out before that line is crossed. I can’t think of anything that I can do to make this pain and embarrassment go away.

Thank you to everyone who has given me a chance. Thank you to those people who have heard my side of things, given me words of encouragement, and have shown me love even when I wasn’t looking for it or didn’t see it. I’m so happy to have had people like you in my life. I hope you don’t hold this against me forever. I’m genuinely sorry for being like this and I want to make the changes necessary to get me back on track in life.

I’ll return to my former self against someday. I hope.