I’m coming to grips with the thought that I need to just stop looking at what she’s up to or what she’s saying. It literally only makes me upset. I can be totally fine all day long. Most of the time when I’m busy she doesn’t even cross my mind but every so often I just want to see what she’s posting or I want to see what she’s talking about in her broadcasts.
This is the hardest part about this breakup too. It’s not that we’re not together anymore. It’s not even the though of her with somebody else. While those things make me sad, the hardest part is looking into the eyes of somebody I once loved and having a bitter hatred and resentment toward her. It makes me sick how much the thought of her upsets me.
It’s completely involuntary too. Deep down I’m still in love with her. I don’t even understand why. It’s an undeniable emotion though. When I think about her in my mind, and when I look at things that remind me of her, like a gift she got me or a car like hers, it still makes me feel happy.
But the sight of her picture and the words she posts just bring out such a deeply negative feeling within me. I want to shoutout the most awful hateful stuff or call her a hypocrite or point out her lies. But I still fucking love her and I need for this negative feeling toward her to die.
I want her to be happy and I want to be happy about her being happy.
