It feels good to put my thoughts onto paper or in this case onto my blog. It helps me process and it helps me keep a record of how I feel on a given day. I’m sorry that lately my thoughts have been sad or depressing. I really don’t feel sad or depressed, but I think it’s because I’m open with how I feel and I can let it out
Krystina once told me that “ I’m not in love with her. I’m in love with the thought of her.” I don’t know if that is true or not. I don’t know if that’s the case with any of the wonderful women I’ve fallen in love with over the years. I do think about those words especially now. Was I in love with Rose? I felt like I was. What if I wasn’t though? What if I was just in love with the idea of her?
I loved the way she made me feel. I loved having responsibility. I loved being a caretaker. I loved being a provider.I loved the dinners she made. I loved her creativity and the ideas she had. I loved her smile and I loved her eyes even when they went into that crazy mode. But did I really love her or would I have loved that with anybody who gave me that same opportunity? Did I just fall in love with the idea of having a partner or having a person? I really hope not.
It bums me out that she speaks so negatively about me even all this time later. I guess I am a narcissist after all. I do care what people think about me. We say we don’t, but I think for most of us we really do. So while I understand why our relationship didn’t work and I’m OK with it I don’t understand why she is still talking so poorly about me and mocking me. I guess she just wants to feel heard. Well, I hear her. I can feel her hurt. I can feel her fear. I’m afraid too. I would’ve done anything for her, but I wasn’t aware enough to know what to do.
I’m good at loving. I mean the emotion in my heart pours out love. I’m not good at showing it. I’m not good at making other people feel the love. I think it’s because I don’t love myself as it’s been suggested many times over the years. How can I fill someone else’s cup when my own cup is empty. I guess that’s true.
If I’m playing the victim, I don’t mean to. I feel hurt. I feel rejected. I feel abandoned. All of those weird and awful things I did was in response and pushback to the inevitable rejection that was to come. What a stupid reaction to have.
I was wrong and I made a lot of mistakes. I’m gonna make a lot more mistakes too. I just hope I make less and less the older I get I don’t wanna make anybody else on this planet feel the way that she feels right now. I don’t want anybody else to hate me the way that she does.
I know kindness isn’t going to bring her back. I know she’s never going to laugh with me and that she’s only going to laugh at me. I know that her opinion of me is never going to change, that the awful things that I said and did are forever burned into her memory. She’s forever burned into my memory and I’m choosing to remember the good times.
