This is the best I’ve felt in months. There’s still some weird challenges and annoyances that come up, but by and large things are feeling better. I feel safe. I feel a sense of relief. I’m not constantly on the defensive and I don’t really have to explain myself to anyone. I guess I really didn’t need to before, but I also kind of did, you know?
I really hope that her pain doesn’t cause her to target me or make my life hell. She’s got what she wanted, which I believe is the home we shared to herself. I’m not contesting that. I was released from the lease, which was probably my only real issue. I didn’t want to be asked to leave and also be asked to foot the bill. Now that I’m free of that responsibility, I can move on peacefully. I hope she chooses to do the same.
I don’t want any smoke with her. I want her to be happy and healthy and to thrive. I think she probably has a really good chance of that now. I’m always going to love her, but in a distant way, in a memory kind of way. Even if she were to reach out to me right now, I’m going to disregard it. It’s the only way I’ll truly be able to move on. Maybe some years down the road we can have a conversation or laugh about something together. Now is not the time. We need to just be focused on our individual futures and the opportunities we have ahead of us.
Admittedly I am scared that she’s not going to accept a victory in this situation unless she sees me as miserable. I think she needs me to visually pay for the crimes I’ve committed in her eyes. If it were that simple, I’d just fall on the sword and give her that peace, but I don’t know if she’ll ever be satisfied with that victory. I think the hatred she has for me, at least in the near term, has her enraged and she’s seeking blood. I hope that fire she has toward me subsides someday. Of course I only have a limited way of knowing. When she posts stuff and people tell me about it, that’s really the only way I can know.
I just leave her be, just as she intends me to. I can feel the healing beginning to happen though. I’m at peace with her decisions. I’ve accepted this fate. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. It still feels awful, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not dying which is how I thought I’d feel if I lost her.
I think things are going to be just fine, but I’m sure there’ll be a few more headaches to endure before it all subsides. I’ll just have to take them as they come, I guess.
