I wanted to reflect a little bit on recent weeks and months, and express a few of the thoughts that are rattling around inside my brain right now. I’ve had an enormous amount of sadness and an overwhelming feeling of betrayal. I finally felt like I found somebody who let me be me. Somebody who wasn’t trying to change me, someone who wasn’t critical of my past and was compassionate about the things that I still held onto. If I had to rank my past relationships in order of their significance, impact, the amount I loved them, and the happiness I got from them, this one would be at the top, number one.
For the first time since my marriage, I finally felt like I was part of a family. The peace I had in her presence took away all of life’s anxieties. I really had no care in the world. Well, maybe that’s not true because she made me want to be better. She inspired my curiosity. She made me want to work hard and provide a safe and happy home. She made me want to take on new challenges. I tried things I had never tried before. I was as happy as I’ve ever been in my entire life.
The infidelity accusations were tough to swallow. I fought them tooth and nail because they simply were not true. Sure, I followed and liked girls on social media, but I never interacted with or even tried getting close with any of them. There was no flirting, no intimate conversations, and certainly no sex. Not ever. This woman gave me everything I could have ever asked for and then more. I never had an excuse to cheat. I didn’t need one.
Sure, it was tough, but it was always something we could get through. We’d argue about it for a little bit, go stand in our corners, but we’d always find the strength to come back together because we were stronger as a team. We loved each other, at least I hope so.
My actions were unforgivable. I said mean and awful things when I was in pain. I shut her out sometimes when I felt like I was being treated unfairly, and I even kicked the door in one time. A crazy side of me emerged that I didn’t even know was there. I don’t like that side of me at all. It’s important that I fix it.
In our most recent fight, fueled by false infidelity accusations again, things went farther than I could have ever imagined. She took matters into her own hands and created a dating profile looking to get revenge—a revenge that wasn’t even justified. I was being punished for a crime I didn’t commit. To me, the mean words that were spoken and the personal shots we took at one another were one thing, but a deliberate act of betrayal is the line that can’t be uncrossed.
I’m always going to love this woman. Forever. She’s always going to be an impactful, cherished memory that will never go away. I’m always going to cheer for her success and I’m always going to wish her health and happiness. Despite the pain I feel right now, I know she’s a good person and she deserves a good life. I hope our paths cross again someday. I hope I’m able to see how much better she is than she was. I hope we’re able to laugh and maybe even relive a cherished memory. Odds are, that won’t happen, but I am hopeful.
I wish we would’ve been able to extinguish our demons together. I think if we were both a little bit stronger, we could’ve easily come out on top. We have a lot of growth and a lot of work we must do if we ever think we’re going to beat our inner demons. I think we’re both capable of getting there, but we have our work cut out for us.
I don’t plan to date anytime in the near future. I’m not going to look for a quick painkiller or a cheap thrill to help me get over her. I want to focus on myself. I want to do things that make me happy. I want to do things for myself. I want to make myself the priority. I was as close to a perfect life as I ever could’ve asked for; the next time I have that opportunity, I’m going to be ready for it and I’m going to close the deal.
